Gentlemen, let me begin by saying: Testicles.
Just enjoy that for a moment, and have a nice chuckle. Done? Good. Now, I am afraid that I must be the bringer of bad tidings. That most irritating of holidays is almost upon us.
That one day of the year where we must go out and spend preposterously large amounts of money and time, to buy gifts with the sole purpose of proving to our girlfriends/wives/favorite hooker, just how much we appreciate seeing them naked. And gentlemen, make no mistake, that is exactly what it’s about. You often hear the occasional feminist, snot-nosed brat, or middle-aged divorcee say that, “if women ran the world, there would be a lot less problems.”
Now, this statement, aside from being absolutely adorable, is complete and utter whale crap. For the simple reason that women do, in fact, rule the world.
But men should not be blamed for this opinion; for women have carried on with this little charade with such calculated perfection, that its nothing short of admirable . Or, as the urban gentleman so wisely says: “Bitches be frontin’ ”
But gentlemen, let me ask you one question: what is the one resource all women control? ………..EXACTLY SIR! Sex. it is perfect bargaining chip. They have the very essence of absolute power (boobs) at their control day and night, and women wield this power with a manipulative genius. You see, they know that men will spend any amount of money on jewelry if it means we will get even a short glimpse of -as the rural gentleman says- "them tig ole bitties",and so they invented Valentine’s Day.
Indeed gentlemen, women know full well that Valentine’s Day has nothing to do with love; it's really just a test. A test to see just how much you think they are worth. I’ll pause for a moment, because I doubt you can hear me over the sound of you crapping your pants.
Those of you who aren’t defecating on yourselves should be, because this test is the equivalent of asking an infant the question “how many shoes?” Where the only right answer is “purple.”
So now you’re probably wondering what you’re supposed to do. Well, the only answer is: spend as much money as humanly possible. I’m serious, start shelling out cash like a crack head on payday. You may be asking: “what if she isn’t really that hot?”;well, if you're slumming it a bit this year, then go ahead and spend even more money on her, because life’s gonna be hard enough on that uggo. She deserves something nice for once. However, if your particular wife/girlfriend/Columbian mistress has a wildly disproportionate intelligence/hotness ratio, buy her a plastic ring out of a vending machine from a Mexican Restaurant (you know, that one with the awesome cheese dip that has the peppers, yeah that one) and tell her it’s a new expensive light weight platinum, because let’s be honest, she’s probably not gonna know the difference. And gentlemen keep in mind that you can never win; you only lose less.
Although, if you happen to be single on the week leading up to Valentine's Day, just sit back and relax. Enjoy the bitter sweetness of being alone on Valentine’s Day, and watch your friends go into complete meltdowns. But whatever you do, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, attempt to begin a new relationship the week of Valentine’s Day. Because my friend, Valentine’s Day does to a blossoming relationship what Miley Cirus does to music: That is to say, it cuts it’s throat, sets it on fire, it then pees on the fiery corpse, while cackling maniacally into the night.
So, gentlemen, I leave you with one thing to remember: "Roses are red, Violets are blue, if you get caught cheating on Valentine’s Day, she will cut it off… I’m serious, there’s no joke here. SHE WILL CUT IT THE F*** OFF."
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Andrew Johnson.
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