Andrew's AUMnibus articles, NOW WITH 20% MORE LIBEL!!!

In a recent effort to stem the flow of students transferring out of AUM, University officials approved construction on a new Taylor Road entrance. The original proposition was to draft plans which would call for an entrance that would be safer for drivers as well as ascetically pleasing with its simple elegance. It seems that this idea was viewed as PURE $%^&ING EVIL and the people who proposed it were promptly burned to death (this is the best explanation I’ve been able come up with). Apparently actually drafting a plan was seen as a waste of university resources, and so they decided to just pull it out of their asses as they went along. The result was a confusing and irritating maze of yield signs and one way streets. However, what may seem like a simple poor planning at first glance, just might be part of a bigger and more devious scheme put in place by the higher powers of AUM.

It is common to knowledge to most in the river region that many students choose to complete the core requirements for their chosen major at AUM and then transfer to AUM’s sister school: Auburn University or The University of Alabama. While this might work out well for the students it is a serious hindrance to AUM since it takes students (A.K.A. money) away from the University as well as cuts down on the size of the graduating classes which in turn affect future alumni involvement (A.K.A Alumni Funding). It’s a vicious cycle because the more students that leave because they don’t feel AUM is on the same level as other State Universities, the longer that perception will persist. So it isn’t hard to believe that AUM would be driven to desperate measures to keep students at the university, ere go: the Taylor Road entrance. Because what better way to keep students from leaving than to actually keep them from physically leaving the campus.

After some serious investigative reporting, we discovered a department at AUM that until this semester had no record of its existence. The new Student Stationing department (or S.S. for short) appears to have had heavy involvement in the “Planning” and construction of the new Taylor road entrance. The department head: Dr. Fredrick A. Heinschlimmer’s signature was on all of the expense reports as well as the construction contracts. Not much information was available on Dr. Heinschlimmer except that he obtained a doctorate in European history from 1940 to 1947 in 1973 from NYU. While couldn’t find any actual explanation on what the department actually does we were able to get a statement from Dr. Heinschlimmer as he walked from his office to the elevator. We asked him if he was indeed trying to keep students at AUM and if he really expected to succeed. To which he replied with a smug smile: “ oh don’t vorry about zat young man, ve have a great deal of experience vith……containment.” He then gave a menacing little chuckle and adjusted his monocle while staring at me with the black soulless eyes of a shark.

Construction on the Taylor Road entrance Is “scheduled” to end in September, where upon work will begin on the rerouting of Senator Drive to run directly through the newly installed Velociraptor habitat. Velociraptors are to be added in late December.

Discussion point: Velociraptors- Most terrifying Christmas present ever?.....or most awesome?

For.......Us

Who are we? We are the kids who got ripped from their childhoods as planes smashed into buildings and cars exploded. We sat transfixed, watching something that no child should be allowed to watch. But the people who should have covered our eyes just let us watch and whispered “no you have to see. You have to know what we’ve done and the way things are. Because only you can fix this, only you can make all of it ok again, only you can help. But first, you must see.” We became children trying to be adults with no clue of how to do it. It was like building Legos in the dark with half the pieces missing. And even though we knew it wouldn’t be easy to face when finished, we kept building.

Who are we? We are hey Arnold, and Dexter’s lab. We are coffee shops and American eagle.we are Birkenstock, Wallabies, Crocs, and classic flops. We are john Mayer and Conan O'Brien. we are N’SYNC and Nickleback, We are Rehab's "sitting at the Bar" because we can sing every word. South Park and Family Guy. We are VH1 and Facebook, “The Dark Knight” and “Inception”. We are American Pie 1 and 2 ( and nothing else) We are Ross, Rachel. Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe. we are the Chappelle's show and "Anchorman". we are Harry Potter and Twilight. we are "The Hangover". we are September 11th and Toby Keith songs.We are Enron and global warming. we are the gulf oil spill. we are the last stubborn remnants of racism and prejudice in america. We are John Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and change.We are barrack Obama. We are one hell of a decade.

Who are we? We are nihilists and misanthropes. We are the byproduct of two generations of extremists. We were told of the hippies who raged against to system to little avail but who fucked and smoked themselves into near oblivion and whose message for the ages was to make love and not war. We were shown how their children embraced the system and integrated into it. Changing it, shifting it, corrupting it but not for others, only for themselves and their own selfish gain because after all, greed was good. We discovered the system and came to hate it as much as our forbears did, except we saw forty years and two generations worth of failure come before us. We saw two extreme and polar opposite attacks result only in bitter submission. We are trapped, hopeless, and listless.

So who are we? In short: We are screwed.